The Football Ruiners.

Why do TV channels insist on starting their football coverage 45 minutes before kick off? 15 minutes is more than sufficient to present team news, why do we need cringeworthy VT presentations too? These stupid video packages of highlights we've all seen before with flashy graphics and voice overs that wouldn't seem out of place on a 14 year old's YouTube video submission are as pointless as they are annoying. As Waylon Smithers once asked:

The people are already here, we don't... need to
keep hustling them like this, do we?

Then along comes the sponsors ad break bumper, always poorly made, repetitive and failing spectacularly to be as funny/patriotic as the creators think they are.

Not even going to acknowledge you Lawrenson

Sky Sports, ESPN, ITV and BBC all in competition with each other as to who can present the worst coverage, each with their own set of atrocious pundits. On Match of the Day it's the Hansen/Shearer combo, a couch where you'd find as much insightfulness as you would in a packet of Corn Flakes. Hansen offers up the same analysis he's been trotting out for the past 15 years and Shearer backs him up, repeating exactly what the scarred Scot has just said.

Over to ESPN and it's BBC cast off Ray Stubbs supported by the thick-as-shit Robbie Savage and the slightly mental Kevin Keegan while at ITV it's the smug for no reason Adrian Chiles posing the questions no one wants answers to to Gareth Southgate, who actually does have a job that he's ignoring to be on your televisions. Then as the match draws near ITV pulls it's ace out of it's sleeve. I imagine the conversation that decided how they would show the respective team line ups went like this:

Idiot #1: "We'll get the players to a photo shoot and take their pictures with a Polaroid camera, and then we'll have them sign it!"
Idiot #2: Yes! Brilliant, we'll play some crap music in the background too!"

Sky Sports gain and lose points for their commentators, the respectable Martin Tyler is joined by the dullest man alive, Alan Smith. Back in the studio, the loss of Richard Keys still hangs over them as whoever isn't working that day over at Sky Sports News is roped in to presenting duties, assisted by Jamie "One Suit" Redknapp.

Only RTE emerge with their reputation intact, sure they offer up the same ridiculous videos but they can't be matched on pundits as Giles, Brady and Dunphy all do a stellar job of telling it how it is while PR guru O'Herlihy gets them riled up. I would tell the other networks to take note of how RTE do it but when they inevitabley tried to copy it they'd ruin that too.

Best in the Business.